


Happy Endings

by iknewaman



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Old Married Couple, Original Character Death(s), old married spirk, sort of, up until a point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 22:09:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8507317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iknewaman/pseuds/iknewaman
Summary: Spock is five years old when he asks his mother to stop reading him bedtime stories.“They are irrational, far-fetched, and the notion of a happy ending does not exist.” He tells her.She looks at him with sad eyes, and Spock wonders if those were the same eyes his peers at school ridiculed him for.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I do not nor will I ever own Star Trek.

Spock is five years old when he asks his mother to stop reading him bedtime stories.

“They are irrational, far-fetched, and the notion of a happy ending does not exist.” He tells her.

She looks at him with sad eyes, and Spock wonders if those were the same eyes his peers at school ridiculed him for.

A few nights later he overhears his parents fighting. He doesn’t realise what it is at first, since he’s never experienced it before, but when he’s a bit older he learns to put a name to the shouting occurring outside his bedroom door.

“He’s just a child!” His mother wails.

“He is a Vulcan.” Comes his father’s deep baritone voice.

“That doesn’t change the fact that he’s just a boy, Sarek. He’s so young, so little, and he’s already asked to stop being read bedtime stories.”

“They were implausible tales.”

“I know they’re implausible, but kids like them. They like using their imaginations and living outrageous stories, that’s what kids do. They should get to enjoy that freedom of mind before it gets killed when they’re older.”

A silence drops, and Spock holds his breath until his father’s voice echoes through the door.

“Vulcans do not understand fairytales. To us, they are nothing but lies.”

Spock irrationally places his pillow over his head and wills himself to sleep.

*

He is to be bonded with T’Pring, and they will marry when they are older. His father says it’s a good match as they are mentally compatible, but his mother watches the entire process with her mouth turned down, and Spock doesn’t understand why. She should be happy. He has been told by many that since he’s a half-breed, he’ll never find a bondmate, but now he has T’Pring. They were wrong, and he could be normal.

But just as the mental link is made by T’Pau, Spock can feel T’Pring shrinking away, trying to build a wall between herself and her betrothed.

Spock feels his heart clench, but doesn’t comment on it or tell anyone what has occurred. Neither does T’Pring.

Almost two years later their mental link is entirely dormant, and at this point it doesn’t even faze Spock. He never thinks to wonder why.

*

He’s eight when he gets into his first fistfight. 

It had been Stonn, as usual, who had set him off. Usually he was able to let his insults fall over him like oil in water, but this time the insult hadn’t been directed at Spock, but his mother.

“It is a shame the Vulcan gene pool has been dirtied by outsiders like your mother.”

Spock doesn’t even realise he’s launched himself at Stonn and throwing punches until an adult pulls him back by the collar. They look at him and declare, “Fighting is prohibited in this institution. I must contact your parents.”

This is when Spock figures out there are several definitions of the word ‘fight’.

He wonders if it’ll be his last.

*

He’s eighteen when he gets accepted into the VSA, having scored the highest points ever in the history of the institute. His father is brimming with joy and pride, but that quickly crumbles when Spock reveals his intentions to attend Starfleet.

That night his parents have a huge row, and Spock feels as if he’s five all over again. He pulls his pillow over his head.

*

Spock’s notoriety as the only Vulcan to attend Starfleet spreads through the institution, and he’s already a celebrity before he even arrives. There are people who are curious to see a Vulcan in the flesh, and so he gets many stares. He perseveres because at least they don’t have ill intentions towards him, and he’s suffered much worse than merely being looked at. Eventually the hype dies out, and Spock can freely enjoy his time at Starfleet without being constantly watched.

He races through his education, passing all the courses with flying. With the speed he’s going at his lecturers and tutors alike think he’ll be able to graduate in three years rather than four. Spock takes on the challenge, and does so.

His mother shows up at his graduation along with his father, and even though he’s still displeased with Spock choosing to forego entrance into the VSA for Starfleet, the glowing recommendations he gets from his teachers leaves Sarek satisfied with his son’s accomplishments. Amanda takes more pictures than is acceptable, and cries loudly when she first sees him in his graduation uniform.

Spock’s excellent performance at Starfleet lands him a position as Science Officer aboard the _U.S.S. Enterprise_ under the command of Captain Christopher Pike. He spends two years aboard the ship, and under the guidance of Captain Pike learns what it’s like to serve on a Starfleet vessel as well as honing his skills in the sciences department.

Once the two years are over Spock transfers to a different ship, the _U.S.S. Redemption_ for another two years before returning to San Francisco to teach at Starfleet Academy. He gets assigned two courses to teach, Xenolinguistics and Advanced Xenolinguistics, and they quickly become known throughout the institute as the toughest modules.

Spock lives not far from the academy, and has signed up as supervisor of the Chess Club. He eats at certain times of the day exactly, and meditates in the evening before going to bed twice a week. He sets away time to grade his students’ papers, and occasionally will accept one of his co-workers offers of going out for a beverage. 

Spock’s life is regulated, it’s rigid and has order.

Then chaos arrives in the form of Jim Kirk.

*

Jim is the undiscovered shade in the colour spectrum, the brightest star shining through daylight skies, the whirlwind that reigns devastation, and as soon as Spock sets his eyes on him he knows they are _t’hy’la_.

*

They don’t actually cross paths until they’re assigned to the same ship, the _U.S.S. Enterprise_ , which will be Spock’s second time serving and Jim’s first.

Jim greets Spock during an introductory meeting of the alpha shift crew. He leans over, hazel eyes dancing with life, and says, “It’ll be a pleasure serving with you, Mr. Spock. I’ve heard great things about you.”

Spock wants to return the sentiment, wants to say he believes Jim Kirk will achieve great things in the future, but his throat clogs up. 

This happens several times when he is in the vicinity of his new Captain; his palms get sweaty, his throat clogs up, and his heart rate increases when Jim smiles at him.

Jim Kirk brings out the Human in Spock, and he’s not sure whether to be afraid or happy.

*

Since meeting Jim, Spock has spent more time entertaining his mother’s idea of a happy ending.

When Spock was younger, he and every other one of his peers were taught that the chances of finding one’s _t’hy’la_ is one to a hundred thousand, less than 0.0001%, and so at the time it had seemed logical to discard the idea of finding his as it was highly improbable.

Improbably, but not impossible.

Now Spock has found his _t’hy’la_ and he spends an inordinate amount of time wondering about what his happy ending will be.

It must be with Jim. It must. 

Because if Spock can't spend the rest of his life by Jim’s side, he will not have achieved his happy ending.

*

The Captain is a desirable being, Spock is aware of this. But he was not aware how desirable he was to other beings.

Too often Spock has had to stand back and watch as a dignitary or native romanced the Captain, standing too close, their hands touching too much, their words implying _too much_. Sometimes the Captain would flirt back, his smile coquettish and eyes clear with life, and Spock would have died a hundred times over if Jim had accepted these offers. 

But he always declines, and Spock feels as if he can breathe easier.

He keeps telling himself that they are _t’hy’la_ , Jim must know they are _t’hy’la_ , but he never approaches Spock with the same coy smiles he offers his suitors.

*

It takes them a while to get around to it, but eventually it happens during a mission. Two deep cuts into Spock’s skin has him gushing blood, and Jim is screaming; at Spock, at everybody, at the communicator, telling whoever’s on the other end to _‘beam us the fuck up!’_

All Spock can remember before his eyes fall shut is that the Captain is too vulgar, but he is happy Jim is the last thing he sees.

Jim’s also the first thing Spock sees when he wakes up in Sickbay, attached to a machine. McCoy apparently knew his xenobiology, because he hadn’t attempted to stitch Spock’s wounds, knowing the Vulcan healing trance would take care of the preliminary mending.

Spock tries to sit up, but Jim immediately pushes him back. He stares at Spock for a long time, eyes wet and angry, before he swoops down and claims his lips.

Spock’s body, mind and katra all sing with joy.

Jim leaves off, but Spock pulls him back in, unable to let go now that he has his _t’hy’la_ in his arms.

When Bones walks in he groans and calls them idiots for not realising it sooner, like when Spock went through his Pon Farr and T’Pring chose Jim to fight him.

Spock had felt as if he had torn his entire world to pieces with his own bare hands. 

To this day he thanked every deity he did not believe in that Jim was alive, and that McCoy had been clever enough to administer a hypo that mimicked death.

He did not ever wish to experience such pain again. 

He holds Jim closer and kisses him harder.

*

“I promise I will live out the rest of my life with you.” Spock tells him when they’re lying in bed together. It's been two weeks since their first kiss, and Spock can’t get enough. He is allowed to touch now, is allowed to take, to have, and he plans to enjoy it like a king.

“Woah, that’s some strong words to say right off the bat.” Jim laughs.

“I will.” Spock promises, taking Jim’s hands into his own.

Jim looks at Spock, his eyes alive with feeling. “Me too.” He says, and kisses Spock.

*

It’s not always easy being with each other, especially not a on a vessel where they can’t avoid each other. A starship needs a captain and first officer to function, and if Spock and Jim don’t function, the whole crew could be at potential danger.

Spock needs to remember this whenever they get into a fight.

Jim thinks Spock is too unemotional at times, shows no empathy for others, and it hurts Spock hearing such words. When he was younger he would have felt pride at having being told such things, but now he feels guilty. His _t’hy’la_ was an emotional Human, and he needed that in return from his partner, and Spock could not provide it.

But then Jim will come around, will apologise and tell Spock he loves him as he is.

“I’m just getting emotional.” He tells Spock. “A Human flaw.”

Spock does think it’s a flaw, but he also thinks it’s a blessing. Such high emotionalism, such empathy, allows for closer relationships with people, and where Spock lacks this quality Jim has too much of. Spock bathes in Jim’s love and affection, and it’s an indulgence he will never give up.

Jim’s tendency to jump first and think second is often the cause of much stress on Spock’s part, and it has come up several times in their fights. Jim stays adamant that sometimes the situation calls for spontaneity, but Spock makes up logical excuses that hide the truth that he’s worried of losing Jim. The chances are too high, Jim is only Human, is so frail, and Spock can’t always be there to protect him. Somehow, Jim always knows what Spock is trying to say, and he holds him close and murmurs promises that he doesn’t plan on dying anytime soon. They do little to assuage Spock’s worries, but Jim’s arms around him lull him into a sense of security.

Yes, Jim is at times trying and irrational, but he is Spock’s trying and irrational Human.

A times like this Spock understands on some level the struggles his parents had to go through when they began courting each other.

*

They settle down in San Francisco once the five year mission is over. Everyone save Spock cries, and they hold a big party before they all split up and go their separate ways. Jim makes sure to get everyone’s contact details and creates a group chat, eliciting promises from everyone that they _will_ stay in touch.

Scotty’s wife’s work takes them to Egypt, and Uhura takes up a translator position on Betazed. Sulu wants to study plants in Nigeria, and Chekov goes back to Russia to work at the Starfleet sister school there, which leaves just Bones, Jim and Spock behind.

“What do you have planned then, Bones?” Jim asks him one night when he visits. They’re both drinking whiskey, but Spock has chosen to stick with his tea.

Bones takes a sip of his drink and sighs. “I’m thinking of heading back to old Georgia. Be closer to the family.”

Jim nods. “I’ll be sad to see you go, old man.”

Bones chuckles. “You say the sweetest things, Jim.”

Before he leaves, he pats Jim’s arm at the door and says, “Make sure you visit sometime, alright? And bring your better half with you.” He nods at Spock, who inclines his head. 

*

The first few years living together is a breeze. Both Jim and Spock take up teaching positions at Starfleet, much to Spock’s surprise.

“You didn’t imagine me as a teacher, did you, Spock?” Jim chuckles.

“I never imagined you as someone who would remain in one place for too long.” Spock corrects.

Jim smiles at him, his eyes gleaming.

They buy a house in the suburbs and Jim buys a hovercar like he’s always wanted. It goes at speeds extremely dangerous if one were to crash, but Jim claims that if he can manage captaining a starship he can fly a goddamn car.

Their house comes with a backyard, and so Spock sets about growing a garden. He uses many of the vegetables in his own meals, and Jim kisses him whenever he sees how excited Spock gets over his vegetables. 

Spock’s mother often calls, and she and Jim form a close bond. Spock delights in it, and when he reveals to his father that Jim is his _t’hy’la_ , his father tells him he is pleased Spock has found him. 

They visit his parents on Vulcan, and at the same time have T’Pau perform the bonding ceremony that binds his and Jim’s mind together. It’s an intense experience, and they both come out of it gasping and holding one another closer.

Jim struggles with the heat on Vulcan, unable to handle the harshness of the sun, and he and Spock's mother grow closer in the way only two Humans on a foreign planet can. Spock can see his father looking at them in the same way Spock does. How lucky they were to have found their happy endings.

They travel a few times, going off to visit Scotty in Egypt, or McCoy in Georgia. Sometimes McCoy will come to them, but it’s incredibly rare now that he has a job as an Earth doctor. 

“Not gonna lie, Spock, sometimes I miss working with alien medicine. The illnesses here are all so boring.” He tells Spock one time when they’re over for a barbecue. Spock simply nods, and asks that the doctor make sure his veggie burger doesn’t get burned.

The few times that McCoy does visit, he’ll bring Joanna with him. Bones loves his daughter, and Jim adores seeing his godchild. He always makes a huge fuss of buying a gift for her before they come over, and Spock secretly delights in the way his lover wants to make this child happy. Spock doesn’t know Joanna as well as McCoy or Jim, but she's got a sharp mind, and if Jim is happy with her around then Spock is happy. 

He watches her grow from a small, rowdy, girl into a bright, young lady. McCoy exudes pride whenever he talks about her and how she’s doing at university. (“Thankfully not Starfleet. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, knows it’s dumb to get launched into outer space.”)

Joanna grows even older, graduates and gets a Masters, then meets someone and has children. McCoy continues to be proud, and Jim is over the moon about being an ‘Honorary Grandpa’. Spock had never thought Jim wanted children, but perhaps he should have asked.

He does so, and Jim laughs in his face.

“Please, as much as I love Joanna, taking care of a child is hard work! I’d rather get shipped off into space for another five years.”

Spock is pleased he hadn’t ignored his _t’hy’la_ ’s wishes, but can’t help but imagine what a child with Jim’s traits would look like. Would they have his same eyes? His raw energy, or his laughter?

Spock allows himself to imagine up a child made from the both of them, and his heart clenches at the thought. He has no idea as to how they would look, but he knows his mother would love them loudly and proudly, and his father silently, perhaps rivalling that of his wife.

But it is too late, and as Jim said, they are too incapable of caring for another being.

*

When Jim is fifty he declares he’s had a midlife crisis and wishes to go on a trip around Earth. Spock extends their trip to include some other planets, and Jim approves. He had always wanted to re-visit the pleasure planet Risa.

“I want to see what it shows me now that my greatest wish is with me.” He tells Spock.

Spock feels warmth bloom in his chest and spread out to his fingertips. It’s amazing that after all these years Jim could still elicit that feeling of adoration as when they were younger.

They visit an astounding number of countries and planets, and Jim collects tacky souvenirs from all of them. He tells Spock in great detail about his plans of erecting a shelf to display them all on. Spock suggests sequestering one of the rooms in their house, and Jim laughs, telling Spock he’s brilliant before kissing him senseless.

*

One day Spock receives a video transmission from his father, and it’s the worst new of his life.

Jim finds him later that evening in their bedroom, having just arrived back from a late meeting with the teaching council. He’s left several messages on Spock’s comm, asking why he wasn’t there, but Spock couldn’t bring himself to answer them.

The lights are off, and it’s dark outside. Spock is nothing more than a still silhouette sitting on the bed. Jim approaches, worry marring his face.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, sitting down next to Spock.

Spock breathes deeply once, and then says, “My mother has passed.”

Jim immediately curses, and gathers Spock up tight in his arms. His warmth is a welcome distraction, but Spock is still feeling a part of him die on the inside. He had been aware he would outlive his parents, but he had not imagined how it would feel when it came to be reality. 

Spock doesn’t cry, but Jim still holds him, murmuring affections and promises into his skin.

*

There is no funeral for Amanda, as she had wished to be cremated. Spock and Jim still travel to Vulcan for it.

Spock sees his father for the first time without his mother by his side. It is an alien sight. He looks no different on the outside, but when Spock tries to reach him through their parental bond, he can feel how his father grieves for his lost lover. This is what causes Spock to cry. He cries silent tears, and Jim doesn’t say anything.

They stay a few days, and it’s tense. His father utters little to no words, and Spock behaves similarly. Jim is incredibly uncomfortable throughout their stay, but doesn’t say anything or leave early. He understands grief better than any Vulcan on the planet, and he knows how a being as bright as Amanda could leave such destruction in her wake. Her love was too big, too strong, and those who experienced it would suffer devastation now that she was no longer there.

Spock knows that for Vulcans, their mate is their life. Once they are gone, their mind slowly unravels and they too follow the way of their partner.

His father passes shortly after they leave.

*

Jim does indeed acquire one of the rooms for his souvenirs, going through the tasks of removing the sparse furniture, relocating them elsewhere, airing out the room, and erecting several shelves. 

Spock helps him with it all, and it’s as they’re screwing in the back of one of the shelves, Jim’s face red and heaving from putting up the previous one, that he takes note of his _t’hy’la_.

He sees how Jim’s once golden hair has faded some, specks of grey colouring his roots. His wrinkles are more prominent, and Spock can trace the lines around Jim’s eyes and mouth where he has smiled, can see the vague traces on his forehead where he’s frowned. His eyes have stayed the same, alive with emotion, but his energy is not as strong. It’s dimmed a bit, but still there, and Spock is just as weak to Jim’s smile as he was when he was younger. 

In Vulcan years Spock would be in his thirties, but since he’s a hybrid he has no clue how long he’ll live. He only hopes he gets to die before Jim does so he doesn’t have to experience the loss of his _t’hy’la_ , but then he imagines how crushed Jim would be if he died first, and he retracts his thought.

“Hand me that nail, would you?” Jim asks of him, and Spock hands it over, deliberately letting their hands touch. Jim smirks and peers up at him, his eyes mischievous.

No. Spock could never intentionally bring pain to this individual. 

He would leave it up to fate. _Kaiidth_.

*

McCoy is the first to die.

Joanna calls them one day in tears, saying how he passed in his sleep.

“It was a painless way to go.” She tells them through bouts of hiccups. 

They take a shuttle to Georgia for the funeral. It’s held at McCoy’s childhood home, and his entire Southern family is there, plus some of the Enterprise crew.

It’s an open casket funeral, and when Jim approaches and sees his friend’s withered face he bursts into tears. He’s devastated, and can’t stop crying like a baby even when the pastor speaks and they lower the coffin into the ground. Spock wishes he could take his pain away somehow. 

Joanna hugs them both, and together she and Jim cry into each other’s arms. The wake is sombre, and there is a lot of chatter. Spock catches up with Uhura who has come planetside for the funeral, and exchanges stories with Sulu. He’s married now and has a child. Spock congratulates him.

When they get home Jim immediately attacks their liquor cabinet and drinks every last drop in there. Spock lets him.

When he’s well drunk and babbling, Spock takes him up to their bedroom and puts him to bed, holding Jim close in the safety of their bedroom as he cries through the night.

*

Jim continues to teach, and so does Spock. They like their jobs, and Spock especially enjoys being constantly surrounded by young students. It’s fascinating to see young minds today, and see how they differ from when he was at Starfleet. 

A few years later Jim goes into retirement, and Spock follows because he doesn’t like the idea of leaving his _t’hy’la_ alone at home (“I’m _fine_ , Spock, seriously, go earn us some money.”). But they already have enough to live the rest of their lives comfortably, so they do.

For as long as San Francisco had been their home, they had never had the time to freely experience it. Jim jumps on the opportunity to do so, his old exploring ways coming out of hiding. He and Spock visit a number of places all around the city. Jim has an affinity for bookshops and cafés, long walks in the park and talking to strangers. Spock follows him on all these things, and sometimes diverts their outings to a museum or an arts performance he enjoys, which Jim gladly trails after. At every single place they visit Jim makes friends, as he is prone to do, or he wouldn’t be Jim Kirk. 

They often cross paths with people walking their pets in the park, and Jim is adamant on petting them all. Spock can feel his affection for him soar whenever Jim struggles kneel down and say ‘hello’ to a friendly dog. Some of the owners know Jim by name now, and they often converse when they meet.

The workers of several bookshops know of Jim too, since he’d taken to reading every single book in their shops, and he’s always the first they inform when they get a new one in.

Jim becomes especially fond of a bright young girl at one of the cafés near their home. Her name is Parvaneh and she’s seven years old, and reminds Spock of Joanna if she were of Middle-Eastern descent. She is the owner’s daughter, and spends almost as much time at the café as Spock and Jim do. It turns into Jim’s favourite café, and he always makes sure to bring a handful of sweets for Parvaneh whenever they visit. 

She loves it when Jim tells her about the stars, and Spock is inclined to agree. He loves it when Jim talks. He exudes passion, his voice deep and clear, and always manages to keep his audience riveted.

When Parvaneh gets older, she starts working at the café, and Spock will sometimes go in alone when Jim is elsewhere, such as a doctor’s appointment. The girl has warmed up enough to him that she will automatically bring his favourite tea over whenever he enters the establishment, and sometimes if there is a lull in customers she’ll sit and converse with him. Spock has a history of finding it difficult to talk to people, so Parvaneh’s company is a breath of fresh air. He notes she is incredibly empathetic for such a young being, and on some level she reminds him of McCoy.

*

Joanna still visits from time to time, and she’s started to bring her children with her. A few years later the kids have learnt how to travel on their own, and they’ll come visit Spock and Jim when they can.

Jim loves the kids, treating them with such affection, and Spock is again reminded of how unfortunate it is that Jim never had his own. They kids are growing up good now, the eldest having just started college, and Jim is baffled by how fast time flies. Spock secretly agrees.

*

After McCoy’s death, Sulu was the one to follow, then Scotty, and then Uhura. They attended all of the funerals, and Jim cried at all of them, Spock stood stoic at his side. Always at his side.

Only three of the bridge crew remain now, and it’s difficult for Jim to take in that he will never see his friends ever again, that they’re nothing more than rotting bodies in the ground.

Spock understands that death is imminent and it comes for them all, yet he cannot help but echo Jim’s feelings.

*

One day Spock wakes up to the sun shining through their bedroom window. Jim does not.

Spock has to hold a funeral for Jim, and it’s the hardest task he’s ever been given. His _t’hy’la_ affected the lives of hundreds of people, and they all show up to honour his death. Chekov is there too, and together they’re the last of the Enterprise bridge crew. He’s brought his wife, Ilana, and they have three dogs together as opposed to the former one (“Children are not for me, Mr. Spock”).

Spock is silent throughout the entire funeral, the wake after, and throughout the stream of people coming up to him and telling him that they’re ‘ _So sorry for his loss_ ’. They regale him of tales of Jim, and how he was such a good man, a smart man, a kind man, the greatest man there ever was, and Spock only wishes they would cease so that he could go home. 

He knows the kind of man Jim Kirk was, he has spent most of his lifetime with him, and he was the happy ending Spock wished for.

When he gets home he just sits in the living room for several hours, unsure as to what else to do. When the sunrise comes at five, he slowly walks up the stairs and into their bedroom.

It suddenly seems so off, so unnatural. It’s no longer theirs, and it never will be.

Spock opens the wardrobe and takes out one of Jim’s cardigans. It was one of his favourites, and one of Spock’s least. He holds it close to his face and inhales, breathing in the last whiffs of Jim Kirk he will ever experience.

Spock cries.

*

He had never known how much it would hurt to lose one’s _t’hy’la_.

Life seems lacklustre now, colours less bright and happiness a lie. Spock feels as if he’s walking around in a dream, everything around him hazy and not entirely real. He spends all his time at home now, never straying outside of his threshold. He forgets to feed himself to the point of starvation, and it’s only Joanna’s children’s’ still constant visits that keep him alive. They make sure he’s well fed and takes showers, forcing some semblance of normality back into his life. 

Spock thinks Joanna has raised some incredibly kind children, and at these times he thinks how great Human empathy is.

*

It takes a while, but Spock slowly gets himself back to working order. He pushes himself to live and not waste away, because it’s now what Jim would have wanted. He wouldn’t have wanted Spock to spend a minute of his life on feeling sad, but experience what he had left of it.

Spock tries, he really tries to learn and overcome his heartache and leave Jim in the past, but it’s impossible.

Still, he tries.

*

Once he manages to get out, he ambles to the park he and Jim would often go to, and sits on a bench. He sits for hours staring at nothing, and then he goes home.

The next time he braves the outside world, Spock goes to one of the bookshops Jim loved so. He enters and reads all of Jim’s favourite books, hoping to savour any memory of him. He buys Jim’s favourite foods, listens to the music he left behind on repeat, and watches some of Jim’s favourite holovids. Some of them he saw together with Spock for the first time.

It’s a poor coping mechanism but it works for Spock. He’s stuck pretending his dead love is still present as he lives through Jim’s passions.

Sometimes Spock will think about how he should have savoured his time with Jim more, regretting all the stupid fights they had and the angry silences.

But looking back at it, he realises he wouldn’t change a thing, because at all those times he had always been with his Jim.

*

Then one day Spock looks around and realises that everyone he knew has gone away. He doesn’t recognise the people at the park anymore, and none of their dogs sniff their way over to Spock. The workers at the bookshops have all gone, and Spock has no idea who has taken their places or what their favourite books are, something he knew because Jim would ask. 

Even Parvaneh has disappeared. (“Off to college.” Her replacement tells Spock as they pour his coffee.) 

_College._

He had never realised she was so young. College seems like a lifetime away, and maybe it was.

All that he knew was gone, and has been replaced by new things. New people, new places, new ideas, tastes, sounds, smells, everything is new, and Spock doesn’t know where he is. 

Spock doesn’t think he can adapt, but he still tries, because he knows that if Jim were here, he would jump at the opportunity to try new things. 

Spock still feels his absence like a knife lodged deep in his chest.

*

Days pass, and Spock feels himself getting slower. In mind, movement, everything. He’s stopped leaving the house anymore, foregoing any activity to staying in bed instead. When Joanna stops by, her hair greying and wrinkles etched into her skin, asking if he’s feeling okay, Spock can only nod.

He hasn’t been okay in a long time.

*

 _“I promise I will live out the rest of my life with you.”_ That’s what Spock had told Jim, and himself.

He had not kept his promise. He did not achieve the happy ending he said he would, but Jim did, and as long as Jim was happy, Spock was happy.

**Author's Note:**

> I was suddenly struck with the mood to write sad stuff, and I... yeah, this was it. It felt odd writing it, but I'm happy with how the story came out.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed it :)


End file.
